Rules, Roles and Relationships

So much has changed. I am so much more than I thought I could be as a black woman. I make big decisions that affect my life. I am in charge of my income. I am in a position where I am running things.


However, I always find myself at this place with relationships.

There are all these predetermined roles and rules that I have to play into to ‘keep a man.’

Mind you, I don’t necessarily want to “keep” a man who doesn’t willingly want to “stay” either.


From early in the interaction, a man will want to know if I can cook. This always really worries me. There are days I want to cook, and there are also days where I don’t want to cook. Contrary to popular belief, not ALL women LOVE to cook.


It would be refreshing to live in a society where men also placed an emphasis on cooking, so that one gender doesn’t have to feel like its dealing with people who can’t feed themselves.


In this fast changing world, where women are now carrying the load of being providers- perhaps a time has come for men to consider the fact, that, they too ought to be more domesticated.

It’s difficult for me, as a woman, to be in a relationship where I’m contributing financially as well as domestically…..with a partner who only contributes financially.

Can we get rid of the roles and allow people in relationships, to negotiate terms that govern income and the household, according to each individual couple.


There is a man out there who loves to cook, who’s dishes I’ll be happy to wash…..please don’t make me feel like I’m less of a woman because of this? J


These rules and roles play themselves out in such silly ways. For instance, some women may not date a man without a car. Thing is though, we are not our things, a car should be a means for you to get where you want to be. Shouldn’t it be enough when one of you has a car? Yes, it would be nice if you were both mobile….but good heavens, are you going to write a person off based on a car? Even if the person is worth it?

There is no rule anywhere that says the man must have a car.


There’s also so much emphasis on women being mothers and not enough on men being fathers. The emotional side of being woman has been Done…..and the emotional side of being a man remains virtually untapped. Men still can’t even cry. They are holding back so many tears it shows itself in their violence toward women.


While women have been socialised to be nurturing beings, men have yearned for nurturing.

It makes absolutely no sense to keep these roles in place.


Can’t I just enter a relationship with an equal, a friend…..not as a servant?

Can’t I just a find a lover who is a partner?

Can’t I be with a man who is comfortable in his feminine side, as I am in my masculine side?

Can I be with a man who sees me as more than a woman….but as a human being?


I don’t want to be all these things that I’m supposed to be….

I just want to be me.


19 thoughts on “Rules, Roles and Relationships

  1. This article is wonderful sisi,can’t wait to see more of this.
    Its so true,the society has bamboozled women into believing that we have to look for material things in men,which is soo sad coz that aint true love. ❤

    • Thank you Ntsiki for such a good read, the misconseptions on relationships though. Isn’t it suppose to be about the unconditional love we have for one another as long as there’s respect, transparency, loyalty, honesty, communication!! Other things shouldn’t even be considered to make a relationship…

  2. this just shows how much of a materialistic world we have become, often ppl are jugded on what they have before even knowin the person….love the piece Ntsiki, lookin forward to more thought provokin words!!

  3. i can relate to the article. i think that is what is important when wrirting… making the reader feel as if they’re there.

  4. So profound Ntsiki, am in my mid 20’s and am learninh hard that not all is black and white when it comes to relationships! Love the line ‘Don’t wanna keep a man that does not wanna stay’… Kunzima!

  5. I quote you Ntsiki.

    “It would be refreshing to live in a society
    where men also placed an emphasis on
    cooking, so that one gender doesn’t have to
    feel like its dealing with people who can’t
    feed themselves.”

    It makes sense on the light note. bt on the deeper manly and Black South african terms and conditions. it doesnt suite so well and it sounds insulting. like woman really wanna take over or want to see a direct improptu change of roles & minds to everyone. to suite ubuvila nama lungelo that all of a sudden have accured from the state. so that shud now futhi Ama needs aphuthumayo abantu besifazane base madolobheni? Hhuhmmm??? ……… i hear u well & i know that things shud change. but i really dont like the force & mentality behind some women & ppl to say. as if men do not help their woman. or make men feel that they not doing enough. or making sure that all men species feel the pinch of the government that stands for all (ONLY) woman. so ppl shud make their choices, if a certain woman is happy to work & come back cook, then the woman can happily stay in her relationship or if all is other way around and still both parties are happy with that. then still. life is doing its course to continue. and all ppl (Involved) are happy. not Publishers/Writters/ magazines or newspapers or government for that matter should. intervene or raise to opt for an opinion. # Opnions Not required in a relationship for two. Case Closed! Not unless we see an abuse or assault. and deal with single culprid alone. not to bash on all man about. i cook and was for my family & wife. bt dnt brag abt it or feel used. why? cos i do wht i like to and when i want.As a man ke.


  6. It is Ok to want different things..There is a woman who wants and is in her to clean and take care of a husband and they compliment each other because she does not have to worry about they going to eat.

    However I have a big problem with rules and regulations and pointing that as wrong and this.Everyone is allowed to make their own rules and decisions. If a Woman does not want to cook or be taking care of the household but would rather go and find bacon ITS OK. Who are you to call them names and not.

    The problem is that people don’t take time to be by themselves and understand what they all about and what would suit them/compliment them well when it comes to a partner,they jump from one relationship to another and they keep on looking for something they don’t know as they do not know themselves.

  7. Wow! Such thought provoking content! You are indeed all for & about women!! Patiently waiting for another killer article!:)

  8. I Can relate to what you wrote. I’m 23 and just got married. It all starts with our parents telling us that when you get married you need to know that being married means you have to take care of your husband, love him and in a way take over from what his mother has been doing. They do not realize its putting so much pressure on you as a woman. It should be about love and not making the other person feel like a servant or less human.

    Looking forward to more of your inspiring thoughts luv u C.c

  9. this is good, very thought provoking. i also hate how society bully women into being what men want and need, forgetting we all have our own wants and needs, as much as he wants to come back in a clean house and have food ready when he comes back, that’s what i want too, i want him to wear an apron and partake in everything. if that makes me a feminist or ‘ivila’, as a woman who shares those sentiments is called these days, then let me be. but one special man will appreciate me for who i am..

  10. I for one would not want to change anybody especially the woman in my life. There are things I don’t like about her but they make her what she is. They do not affect the things I like about her. She is as lazy as they come but that is why we have a live-in helper who does the things she doesn’t like doing. In my household, it’s the helper and I who does the cooking but that’s when I feel like it. Once in a blue moon my woman does cook, which I’d rather she doesn’t. We both work and I like fixing stuff around the house except for washing my car which she does without me even asking. For some odd reason she enjoys that. I’ve been in a lot of relationships in my life and this is the longest I’ve been in. The reason is that we have accepted each other the way we are and outsourced things we don’t want to do and we allow each other to do what each wants to do.

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